I am sitting at the edge of the horizon, not quite sure of who I truly am, patiently awaiting the sunrise to shine a little light on my pieces before the anxiety settles in, awaiting the sky to welcome me, all of me, all of who I am within and without. I am hanging my wounds out to heal, giving my pain room to breathe and acknowledging my flaws because, the withered only hope to be loved, too, unconditionally, indefinitely, with the eagerness to maybe bloom in this lifetime before comes the day for them to wilt, once more.
This marks the final year of my undergraduate career and it all seems to have come quite fast with the fact that I'll be graduating a year earlier than I'm supposed to. A part of me feels ecstatic; ready to walk across the stage with my cap and gown all over again. The other half of me feels unprepared for what life will offer come the day that I don't have to wake up for scheduled classes anymore. I can't help but to be anxious that I don't have it all figured out. I know my passions, the gifts that I have an undying love for, but I'm not quite sure how to shape those into a job or career. I'm not sure of the right steps to take and if I've been taking them or not, or if there even really are any right steps.
I may have had people fooled. Some may have thought I had it figured out over here. Truth is, the grass isn't as green on this side as you may think it is. I'm not at all sure of where I'm going, and on most days I tend to worry about if I've declared the right major, if I chose the right school, and if I've done enough in my undergrad years to prepare me for "real life."
I know I'm not alone in this struggle. The endless question of "what do you plan to do with your life after college?" taints me on nights where anxiety visits before sleep can borrow me a while. I'm not going to say that in these three years of college I happened to figure it all out, because if truth be told, I haven't. But I am still digging and searching to find some sense within these pieces that I have collected.
Walking into this semester, I began reevaluating what I was allowing to hold power over my peace and energy, and stressing my next moves after college was definitely one of those things that have been adding more stress than taking away.
I've decided to exercise more trust and less worry in what is to come for me. I've given to practicing the ways of the wind; to be more breeze and less storm, to be carried like freedom under the wings of the birds. I know God holds promises for me, I guess I'm just trying to find the faith to believe past all the doubt I've stored in my broken soul over this lifetime.
It's easy for us as humans to get discouraged when we can't see the next page of our life. It becomes easy for us to fret and practice little faith. It can be quick to get sidetracked from our individual journeys when we're focusing on everyone elses. We want to be in control, we want to be all-knowing, but we can't be. I have to find peace in that.
I'm trying to center myself more these days and allow this galaxy to orbit around me as God has arranged it to. Worrying my mind will only cause me to wilt sooner than I am meant to, and I know that in this lifetime I have the power to bloom a thousand times again.
Let us take this time to breathe, to instill our trust in heaven rather than live our lives in a worrisome hell. Let us reclaim a peace of mind and allow life to unfold before us. Let us allow the sun to rise and fall, and sit at the horizon without fear of what each day will bring.
2 Timothy 1:7- For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.