I have been trying to find solace in me.
In my body. In my energy. In my soul.
Without feeling inadequate or as if I am not enough.
Lately, I have been faced with many days of wilting.
Forgetting my power.
Misplacing my strength.
Doubting my beauty in the midst of comparison.
Feeling absent from myself.
Trying to find the answers in everything else but me.
I am drained of feeling vacant when I know I am full.
I am exhausted of wilting when I know I am meant to bloom.
I feel as though my life has changed within this past week. I didn't realize how much I became absent from myself. I didn't realize how disconnected I became from my strengths and powers, but now I feel it. I feel the weight of all the things I have allowed to pain me upon my shoulders. I feel the sorrows that I have allowed to claim residency in my spirit binding me, making me forget how versatile I truly am. I feel my soul tugging for my attention, begging for me to return home.
I have been so caught up in keeping myself busy, that I have forgotten to breathe. I have forgotten to soften up and live a little, and that has taken a toll on my life, on my relationships, and on my ability to refresh in new energy.
Sunday morning, I was overwhelmed by a realization that I had withdrawn from many of my sources of strength. I got absorbed in keeping to a tight schedule and gave up time I needed to use to refuel instead. I had been running with one bar left before I hit E. I kept trying to push myself, believing that if I could just make it to the next stop I would be fine. But I completed the next task and pushed myself to the next one, and the next one, and the next one. I didn't take the time to pause and refill.
I'm not mad at myself about it, though I did pity myself at first. I think we all go through moments where we just want to keep going. We want to test our strength's endurance. I wanted to see how much I could carry on my own because I'm growing up. I'm in my twenties and for the most part, I'm on my own. And if now isn't the time to channel that grown woman in me, I don't know when is. I wanted to figure things out on my own. I wanted to cry on my own. I wanted to suffer on my own and mend myself on my own. I wanted to carry my responsibilities on my own -and add on more- because that's what grown women do, right?
I blocked out the idea that it's OK to reach out for help. It's OK to be alone. It's OK to break down sometimes. It's OK to not have everything figured out. It's OK to ask for others to bear your strength for you when you feel weakened. But most importantly, it's OK to channel that inner child, no matter how "grown" you are. That's what helps you stay alive.
I had to take some time to channel my inner child this week. I turned on some music and danced around (even though my moves aren't the most cohesive lol). I turned on Saturday Night Live and laughed hysterically. I stood in front of the mirror and gave myself a boost. I cried like a baby. And at the end of the day, even if the burdens of my distress came back around and put me back in my feelings, I appreciated the moments of relief I had taken for myself. And I promised myself I would do it the next day, and the next day, and the next.
I tell myself I am done sometimes. I tell myself I am going to retract from the world and stay to myself. That I am not going to try anymore. That I give up. But I never do. I can't, no matter how hard I try to become hardened and careless, I can't. It's not in me. I'm a fighter at heart. I can't uproot what God has planted in me.
I'm not where I want to be in life, but I'm not where I used to be either. I haven't released the bondage of generational strongholds, but I am finding the power to break free one chain at a time. I have missed out on opportunities I should have taken. I haven't applied much effort in places where I feel I should be more advanced. I'm not all that I want to be. But I am. I am alive. I am well. I am here. And because of that, I should claim gratitude and fulfillment daily.
Now may be a tough time in life for some of you. You may feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and you don't have the strength to bear it. You may feel as if you have lost your fight, and you don't have the vigor to push anymore.
We have all had our battles. We have all had our hurdles that we've had to muster up the strength to jump over. And it still goes on. We still get faced with those lifeless days where we are just merely souls wandering through our days; desolate, arid and monotonous.
But we must go on. Our fights must continue. Because in all honesty, we will always be engaged in some type of war. Whether it's fighting for those people or things we love, fighting to find our purpose, fighting for our lives, or fighting for the strength to carry on... we are always fighting.
And when you feel alone in your war, take a look around your battlefield and remind yourself of all the other soldiers fighting in your army with you. You don't have to do it alone.
Love yall. -Mariah J.