The fear of how it feels to bloom again is something that often keeps longing souls in their wilting stages. In the past year, much of my hurt deemed that it was time to resurface, and the thought of genuinely working to heal this hurt scared me. Healing comes with opening up, airing out wounds and being vulnerable. The thought of having to go through this process again when I felt like I had already accomplished it frightened me. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't want to try out of fear of being hurt again while in the process. It was a task that I wasn't looking forward to, but one I knew needed to be done. It felt like those dreadful Saturday mornings where I used to wake up to gospel music blasting from the speakers and momma walking around with the broom in her hand, opening all of the blinds to welcome in the sun rays that poured through the windows while yelling at all of my siblings to get on up. It was time for a deep cleansing.
2017 was definitely a year of re-evaluation. I learned the honest truth that I had not healed from my pain like I thought I did. Different situations triggered different qualities of my hurt to resurface. I was seeing people for their true colors after I had opened my wood-chipped, weary-hinged door to let them in. Again. I was realizing how poorly I handled situations that didn't cater to my comfort. Again. My mental health, which also affected my physical health, was plummeting. Again. I was being tested in my faith. As always. At a point in the year, it made me feel as though I had failed in my work towards healing. By the end of this year though, I learned that no matter how much I tend to my garden, I will never stop blooming. There will be days, even in my restoration phases, where petals will fall. That, however, does not subtract from or sum up the entirety of my efforts put towards the task of healing.
I have been focusing on my journey of blooming and how I can make every day one that yields some aspect of growth. Upon closing the door to 2017, I packed some learned lessons to guide me in this new year of 2018. With having uncovered my throbbing soul wounds, there is much that I feel in need of tending to on a deeper level. I am slowly learning the ongoing process of being genuine with my ever-evolving pieces, and every day there is an awakening to the practice of being tender with myself along the journey. I want to be more intentional with my healing this year, and not just for the benefits that I would gain, but because the role that I live out as the woman that I am is complex. I am a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a niece, an aunt, a girlfriend, a friend. Every role that I live makes me a teacher and a student all in the same breathe. When I think about myself in those aspects, I think about growing to be the best version of myself in order to effectively live out those roles. That requires reciprocating what I have learned and being an open-minded recipient to what others are trying to teach me. With being so in tune with my healing process, I am learning how to live as my most authentic self, and that in turn helps me to be in tune with the relationships that I cultivate, helps me to be more aware of the opportunities that God places in the palms of my hands, and helps me to live, think, and simply just be with a free and gentle spirit.
I have heard many times and come to my own realization of how healing comes in waves. One by one, I am catching and riding them with God-given strength beneath my soles. I have much set up to accomplish within this year, and I am already speaking my seeds into fruition and claiming my victories. As I heal and as I learn and as I bloom, I am restoring my strengths; my truths. I am mending my broken and much neglected pieces. I am turning up the volume of my voice. In these days that I am walking into, I am speaking healing over my life. I am in need of fortifying my holistic wellness and my deeper being. If I cannot heal these wound, every touch will be a sting. Even love will feel like hate. Even hope will feel like doubt. Brokenness hurts, especially when you come to the realization that you still have shards of shattered glass sticking to your punctured soul. But each and every day, God is teaching me still how to operate as a victorious woman out of my brokenness. In that, I made strong. In that I made fearless. In that, I am made whole.
As we all roll over into this brand new year, I want to challenge you all to join me in thinking about your healing. I am going to end off providing a question of the day. Ponder over it, answer it, write about it.
Question of the Day: In what areas have you not healed?
A simple way to figure this out is by highlighting areas of your life where you might be stagnant. Realizing which areas you have been stationary in often uncovers some type of hurt that you haven't fully recovered from. Take some time to think about the hurt that you haven't yet healed from. Think about how beginning the healing process could free you from so many strongholds and enhance the roles that you play in your life. Think about the overcoming and the testimonials. Take those thoughts and design them into a personal journey of restoring your soul and bringing healing into your life. Many of you may find yourselves in your Genesis stages of the healing process, and others of you may find yourself years in. Nonetheless, know that you are capable of finding peace wholly and understand that this journey is one that isn't a goal to accomplish over a certain period of time. It's a practice and conditioning that should take place daily.
Love yall!- Mariah J.